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Kate Growney's avatar

Brilliant. Antonia forwarded me your post because you captured that inside voice, that haunts me (and her) at times, won't let me sleep most of the time, and keeps me from fully settling in, to, well, life. My life. Which is spectacular, yet, every time someone asks how things are going and I say, "Great. No complaints." I immediately feel that push, that I should be doing more. Maybe it's because we did move mountains ?! Something we discovered in us, in those formidable years, that surprised us, and, well, was impressed, by our own power?! So you can't just plant a garden that you buy at Home Depot. I can't just feed my dog kibble, I have to research and read books about animal nutrition and then make my own raw food complete with sweet potatoes and probiotics. That's the part of myself I love, find interesting, entertaining, unique, but it doesn't rest. Doesn't let me rest. I appreciate that you don't have an answer, because neither do I. We will keep looking ! I'll keep paying two therapists and take long walks with my dog while listening to Sam Harris. Hopefully capturing those moments (even if fleeting) that I'm just happy. It's been decades since I've seen you, but sending lots of aloha from one cortisol-junky to another! Keep writing.

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Wendy Lehmann's avatar

I love this and am grateful you wrote it. You were really extraordinary when we were so young at Mirabella. You had your eyes open in a really good way. I so struggle with ambition. I pivoted from magazines into pharmaceutical copywriting and that's been a steady, deeply-uncool thing.

When I say pivot, I mean I kind of tripped over my own feet and toppled into freelance pharma and then stuck it out. It is just a job but it is lucrative and sometimes really satisfying and fun. But yeah, the creative ambition, what to do with it? I do a lot of volunteer and political stuff and sometimes that works and sometimes it's a bitter defeat, but I am very careful to only work with people I love and respect, so the advocacy/organizing stuff doesn't feel like work too much. I work on a book in a way I hope isn't too masochistic but is also a little bit rigorous. My eldest child, who had many learning challenges, is now off to the college of her choice while my youngest is having the time of his life in high school and skateboarding through NYC, so my parental worrying is low, and the parts of my brain that were busy with that are now looking around for a new thing to chew on. I can feel ambition nipping again.

Please write more!

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