I've been trying to live the proverbial "simple life" for a dozen years, and I'm closer than I've ever been, but that little voice inside me still isn't sure....
Yes yes yes. I think we all feel this way. “Shouldn’t I be doing more?” I’ve always admired you for both having such a big bold career at such a young age, and also knowing how to live a rich life which has *nothing* (ok maybe not nothjng but almost nothing) to do with money. I think - especially as we get older, I feel this now more in my 50s than in my 40s - that we can start to really just be present and live the life we want (whether that’s quiet or... loud and in technicolor ) make the choices we want to make and get out of anyone else’s expectations. Thank you for writing this piece friend.
I love this! It’s a question that’s been bouncing around in my mind lately. Now mid-sixties but catch myself thinking “what do I want to do with my life?” Like you I’m loving a simpler way of living but my “ambition” hasn’t evaporated and like my libido it insists on having my attention…Thank you for writing this Stacy. It’s (as always) insightful and a delight.
Yes libido, yes ambition, yes always wanting to be engaged, delighted, challenged.... I'm so glad you are freer to be enjoying your life (and your libido), and it always sounds like you are up to something wonderful and new. Love you, friend.
Hi Snaus. I have grappled with this same feeling since I quit my own big job to raise my kids. I dabbled I’m so many other pursuits over the years (so many continuing Ed classes, so many freelance gigs) to find something that could fit my mom life and my ambition. I had my own crisis during Covid when I felt time passing in a way I hadn’t felt before. Now, as you know, I’m a full-time grad student. The work is so hard. I pull all nighters. I have developed arthritis in my right hand from writing so many papers. I have stopped telling everyone what I’m doing (and have stopped belittling what I’m doing) because it feeds my soul in a way that hasn’t been fed in a long time, and I don’t feel the need to explain myself. The critical theory work reminds me of being in Hench’s class, with its combination of joy and pain. And I’m really fucking good at it.
Jill — that is so fucking great to hear. Good for you a thousand times over. And to get to a place where you don’t have to explain yourself — I’m almost there, almost — is actually what matters most. I spent years unable to answer the question, “So, what are you doing?” Now I can just say, “I work for a financial services firm, it’s just a job” and the “it’s just a job” part isn’t an apology or screen anymore. It’s so weird and hard to let you go of what shapes our identities when you’re young — but if you don’t do that, have to learn to see yourself all over again, did you actually grow up?
Yes to all of that. I told the head of my program (who is our age) that to my surprise, I found I could actually apply some of my prior experience to the grad school work. She practically shouted, of course you can! It took me so long to internalize the obvious truth that we are the sum of all of our experiences, not this sequence of different selves.
Stacy, you’re so beautifully ambitious and kind. You pour your heart and soul into whatever you do as a calling, not a job, and I think it’s wonderful. I think you’re awesome because you want to create change, for the good of others around you and for society as a whole.
Since the time you hired me when I was figuring out how to be creative, I now have 8 designers and a few admins and I constantly think of how nurturing you were/are. I finally have an inkling of what it was like to be you and create awesomeness for work and for my team. The hard work is cool cause we get to be even more creative! All the while, you face change w a smile or sometimes a swear word and always deep compassion for the “fragility of life”, as you once said.
You’re my role model when it comes to being a creative leader because of your excitement and inquisitiveness. You once told me you didn’t want your house to feel like it was “trapped in amber”. Your life will never be static like some gorgeous golden fossilized tree sap, but something way more exciting. I’ll leave you to pro wordsmith what that will be and then use that term years from now, the way I do your other sayings nearly two decades after you shared them w me.
I'm really left quite speechless by this beautiful testament to... me? Really, to me? Thank you for all of this generosity. It has always been a total pleasure to know you and spend time with you (and the lovely Dan), and watching your business flourish and thrive has been a true joy. I feel the same about you: you bring heart and joy to your work, and it shows in your success. Love you, Jarret. Thank you for such kind words.
I am a bit younger than you, but identify SO much with what you've written here. The parts that stood out to me were when you said to your therapist "but that's what I've been trying to do!" (perhaps by earning enough to "set yourself up" for a simple life? Maybe?) AND...when you described your super-ambitious landscaping and gardening efforts (been there...still trying to do that.) I think there's a sense deep in me that I won't really be able to have the "simple life" I want until I earn enough money to make it look a lot like Martha Stewart's version of a "simple life" which...well...I guess that's not really how simplicity works, is it? I have more to say, much more, but it's gonna have to knock around a bit in my noggin before it's going to be very coherent. Just know that I feel everything you've written deeply, even though my background and career trajectory and definitions of financial success have been very different from yours. Outward markers of success have been what drive me, and yet, they don't seem to be what I actually want.
"I guess that's not really how simplicity works, is it?" Yes, this. And the deep commitment to the garden is the place where I can really feel what simplicity is: humble work, expectations for failure mixed with success, moments of transcendent joy and a connection to something divine and bigger than me. That's what simple life is. Wanting the world to be bigger than me. Instead of always wanting a little more this and a little more that. It's confounding, that pull between those poles. But I'm so deeply grateful this conversation struck a chord in folks, and that people are sharing their own conundrums, and I look forward to reading more from you on this when you get there. <3
I sold the loft in NYC and now live in a restored villa in Greece overlooking the Aegean.. I simplified. I thought this was what I wanted. I have an enormous garden and fruit orchard. My husband, who was reluctant to make the move, is perfectly happy. Me? I'm bored and I'm lonely. I got my PhD during lockdown, all the while thinking, "When I finish this, what'll I do next?"
What DO we do with ambition? Good question, well stated. Now I'd like an answer, please.
Me, too. And wow, I love this confession. Bored and lonely sucks. I still can't believe I'm a WFH-er (because I live in the Hudson Valley now, which was a good decision, but being away from managing and working with groups of people in person is still not sitting well with me. I'm never happier than managing a scrum of brilliance), which does make me feel lonely.
I think the answer to What To Do With Ambition is define what brings us close to a sense of meaning and joy, and do that. Make a list. And if 70 percent of that list involves doing things you walked away from to "simplify" then you need to sell your place in Greece, stat.
For me, being in the mountains and by a river and tending to gardens is what soothes me, places me in a hierarchy in the universe that I find comforting (the trees and mountains will see much more of this world than I will), and pulls me away from the slightly addictive nature of ambition. But, as you can see from my piece, these rewards have not fully quelled it, and the questions swirl daily.
I never had ambition (or money) on your scale, but I can still relate to this--to wanting to achieve, to searching for meaning in work, to wanting what I do to matter in some way beyond myself. My field (public education) is so broken it was breaking me (literally), and so I made some living simpler choices that allowed me to retire earlier than planned. I did go back to part-time teaching in a sweet gig this past school year, but I'm leaving that now, too. And struggling with some of the same questions. I feel too young to be really retired, but also too old for a lot of things I might once have wanted to pursue. And too tired. The last 10 years took a lot out of me. I have said for years that I just want to grow food and make a nice home and care for my people, but now that I am in a place to actually do that, I feel...uneasy. People assume that now I'm going to write in some serious way, but that's not calling to me. At all. I keep telling myself that if I truly clear some space and remain open, the answers and opportunities will come (the way the teaching gig did, which was the perfect thing for me for this past year). But that's a hard one for me, who has always felt the need to make things happen and have a plan. I wonder how much of all this unease is just a result of deep socialization in a misogynistic, capitalist culture. Please let us know if you figure all of this out. :-)
Oh, Rita. So much to respond to here... Especially "too tired." I do get fired up every once in awhile to push for a Big Job again but then I get... tired. Especially because the resume game at this stage in life is soul-killing, rewriting my resume from top to bottom for each job I apply to in order to make the connection between being a magazine editor and a being a marketing, messaging and social media expert. Exhausting. And also yes UNEASE. That is the perfect word for this vague feeling I carry just under my solar plexus and in my stomach: I am not safe. I have not done enough. I need a plan. I need to be doing more. I am not safe I am not safe I am not safe. And no, I do not think I will figure this out. :) At this point I'm just hoping I continue to earn some money and stay in good health.... and neither feels like a small thing at this point!
So many yesses. (How do you write a resume that won't land you immediately in the reject pile when your relevant work history begins in 1990?) And the "not safe" litany: I do not have the safety net I need to feel safe. I also know that I could not continue on as I had been. I am safe for now. I keep telling myself that's enough for now, and I keep reminding myself that (like you), I am the calmest and healthiest I've ever been. I look around the world with my current understanding of it (and how much of that might be faulty, given how much was before?) and I understand that my previous metrics for determining safety are no longer adequate/valid. I feel both fortunate to be where I am (don't get me started on my worries/fears for my children) and woefully unprepared for where I am. This is so not where I once thought I'd be at this stage of the game. Ach, you've touched a nerve. These are thoughts I generally keep tamped down, so that I can do what I need to do each day.
Sorry to stir you up but not sorry -- because I need to know that so many of my peers are grappling with the same! Selfish me! But yes, "I am safe right now" is something I say to myself. And also "I am not unmindful of the future." Which makes me LOL a little because that's my (privileged elite white) college's motto (non in cautus futuri) and certainly most of those who attended that university didn't (and still don't) have to really think about the future. But I digress. But yes to "Not where I thought I'd be" and I think that's important for us to scream from the rooftops for the women behind us, and the men!! America is a lie!! It's a fucking lie!! Whoops, reel it in, Stace.... I feel sad that I actually feel powerless to effect meaningful change in a world where money is the only metric. Well, money and guarding opportunity only for the few. Aaaaaand, yes, now I'm right there with you. But I see you, I love you, and I thank you deeply for being in this mix with me. I asked these questions because I wanted to discuss them. A big fat namaste to you, Rita. I have always so appreciated and valued your presence in my life. <3
Same, same. :-) And back at ya. I have more thoughts on all this, but right now I gotta get them grades done. (Don't get me started on all the questions that task raises!)
Well, it’s the systemic expections of greatness, right? Everywhere we look, every moment of our entire lives, there are stories of greatness. It’s true that oftentimes these stories of greatness are born of failure and subsequent perseverance, but what is the end result? A story of greatness. The narrative being, if you work hard enough, long enough, you’ll get there. We are indoctrinated in to the belief that with hard work we will be great. We will be admired, financially secure, people will seek us out to ask us the secret to reaching potential. The rays of a thousand suns will shine upon us. To my knowledge, there’s no one out there building a Nike ad or writing a feature for Forbes magazine that says, you’re good enough just as you are. We are supposed to strive for something bigger, more meaningful (meaningful of course meaning measurable). For the last five years I have been a full time bartender. That’s all I’ve done. I’ve put liquids in to cups. I left public relations, I left marketing, I left every other side hustle I had while living in Los Angeles to move to New Orleans and bartend. I’ll tell you right now, it’s been good. It was exactly what I needed to do at the time I needed to do it. I ate good food, I listened to good music, I met a good man. It has all been fortifying. Alas, it’s not forever. I have reached the point of, ok what now? My brain needs to stretch, I need to feel hurried, I need deadlines and schedules and everything that comes with it. I guess maybe the moral of my ramble is that ambition never really leaves you because it’s been fed your whole life, both externally and internally. It may take naps but it’s still there and sometimes it will need to be fed. I suppose our job is to find out how to feed it without getting lost in it.
Yes, the great lie of America is that if we all "work hard enough" we will be rewarded. Except if you're poor, or brown, or unattractive, or .... we all know the real story now. And somehow we have to build a life within this culture. But yes, our job is to figure out how to create meaning and purpose, in whatever way. And what you did is brave -- it's very hard to walk away from what we are "supposed" to be doing at a young age to do a re-set. "I need to feel hurried" is kind of genius. Because that sentiment is, in fact, all about purpose: I have to do something. And I know that my "something" was to let go of money and status and see if I could love myself without it. The answer to that question is yes, but there are so many other, unanswered questions left. Thanks for commenting. Love seeing you here. <3
I love reading you again. As you know, I was able to partially break that overachieving mentality when I up and moved from Seattle to East Africa. For me, and I think for many people, it was a matter of life and death, literally. I was close to having a heart attack. When people get really sick from stress, they make real changes. I think it is human nature to wait until a major crisis before simplifying, and feeling good about the simple life. I also agree that there is a major cultural component here, American ambition, which has served us well in some ways as a country, has also contributed to our unwellness. What also helped me in the past couple of years is fully embracing my role as junior elder, in the Maasai way of thinking. Now is my time to serve the next generation. As a mentor, an Auntie, a coach. Yes, getting paid well for this work is nice, but I truly feel good at a deep level when one of my Godchildren, or clients lets me know that they got into a fantastic University, or the perfect internship, or sorted out a problem with their Mom. The wisdom I have gained is useful, and it makes my heart happy.
Namaste, Tanya! Yes, I remember our conversations about toxic ambition, or, rather, the toxic environment that makes us feel like we are failing somehow if we aren't earning the most we can. And yes, it is absolutely a matter of health! Mental! Spiritual! Physical! Which is why the work you have done and do is so key, and so modern -- the beautiful irony being, of course, that modern is ancient. We just lost our way on that front. I love you as an Auntie, seems like a perfect moment to be leaning into your earned wisdom and sharing it. I definitely feel wiser as I get older, but I'm also old enough now to know that being wiser doesn't mean having answers. It just means being comfortable navigating the unanswerable and the unknown, right? xoxo
I love this and am grateful you wrote it. You were really extraordinary when we were so young at Mirabella. You had your eyes open in a really good way. I so struggle with ambition. I pivoted from magazines into pharmaceutical copywriting and that's been a steady, deeply-uncool thing.
When I say pivot, I mean I kind of tripped over my own feet and toppled into freelance pharma and then stuck it out. It is just a job but it is lucrative and sometimes really satisfying and fun. But yeah, the creative ambition, what to do with it? I do a lot of volunteer and political stuff and sometimes that works and sometimes it's a bitter defeat, but I am very careful to only work with people I love and respect, so the advocacy/organizing stuff doesn't feel like work too much. I work on a book in a way I hope isn't too masochistic but is also a little bit rigorous. My eldest child, who had many learning challenges, is now off to the college of her choice while my youngest is having the time of his life in high school and skateboarding through NYC, so my parental worrying is low, and the parts of my brain that were busy with that are now looking around for a new thing to chew on. I can feel ambition nipping again.
A steady, deeply-uncool thing is truly what I so desperately want and need. Is it too late for me to end up in pharmaceutical copywriting? I am not even kidding. All I want — except for these many moments I struggle with ambition — is to know that I can stay employed until I am 67. Is that too much to ask? Many days it feels like it is. So glad to hear you're settled and secure and have raised your babies to thrive (mine had serious school and learning challenges as well, and he is now entering his second year at Skidmore and doing fine, a miracle he worked hard for, and I am grateful for that). Want to read your book, so keep at it! xo
Brilliant. Antonia forwarded me your post because you captured that inside voice, that haunts me (and her) at times, won't let me sleep most of the time, and keeps me from fully settling in, to, well, life. My life. Which is spectacular, yet, every time someone asks how things are going and I say, "Great. No complaints." I immediately feel that push, that I should be doing more. Maybe it's because we did move mountains ?! Something we discovered in us, in those formidable years, that surprised us, and, well, was impressed, by our own power?! So you can't just plant a garden that you buy at Home Depot. I can't just feed my dog kibble, I have to research and read books about animal nutrition and then make my own raw food complete with sweet potatoes and probiotics. That's the part of myself I love, find interesting, entertaining, unique, but it doesn't rest. Doesn't let me rest. I appreciate that you don't have an answer, because neither do I. We will keep looking ! I'll keep paying two therapists and take long walks with my dog while listening to Sam Harris. Hopefully capturing those moments (even if fleeting) that I'm just happy. It's been decades since I've seen you, but sending lots of aloha from one cortisol-junky to another! Keep writing.
Kate Growney!!! How wonderful to see you here. Time is collapsing onto itself (as our world continues to collapse onto itself). And this that you wrote is very true, and important to remember >> "That's the part of myself I love, find interesting, entertaining, unique, but it doesn't rest." I feel lucky that I ended up with someone who understands my querulous, wandering mind, and my inclination to overbook myself with home projects and volunteer work when I've sworn that I want a simple life. But there it is. :) Glad to hear you are well, if similarly cursed. Aloha back at you. xo
Yes yes yes. I think we all feel this way. “Shouldn’t I be doing more?” I’ve always admired you for both having such a big bold career at such a young age, and also knowing how to live a rich life which has *nothing* (ok maybe not nothjng but almost nothing) to do with money. I think - especially as we get older, I feel this now more in my 50s than in my 40s - that we can start to really just be present and live the life we want (whether that’s quiet or... loud and in technicolor ) make the choices we want to make and get out of anyone else’s expectations. Thank you for writing this piece friend.
Thanks, Margit. I know we have noodled these questions over and over together, and yet: no clear answers! xo
I love this! It’s a question that’s been bouncing around in my mind lately. Now mid-sixties but catch myself thinking “what do I want to do with my life?” Like you I’m loving a simpler way of living but my “ambition” hasn’t evaporated and like my libido it insists on having my attention…Thank you for writing this Stacy. It’s (as always) insightful and a delight.
Yes libido, yes ambition, yes always wanting to be engaged, delighted, challenged.... I'm so glad you are freer to be enjoying your life (and your libido), and it always sounds like you are up to something wonderful and new. Love you, friend.
Hi Snaus. I have grappled with this same feeling since I quit my own big job to raise my kids. I dabbled I’m so many other pursuits over the years (so many continuing Ed classes, so many freelance gigs) to find something that could fit my mom life and my ambition. I had my own crisis during Covid when I felt time passing in a way I hadn’t felt before. Now, as you know, I’m a full-time grad student. The work is so hard. I pull all nighters. I have developed arthritis in my right hand from writing so many papers. I have stopped telling everyone what I’m doing (and have stopped belittling what I’m doing) because it feeds my soul in a way that hasn’t been fed in a long time, and I don’t feel the need to explain myself. The critical theory work reminds me of being in Hench’s class, with its combination of joy and pain. And I’m really fucking good at it.
Jill — that is so fucking great to hear. Good for you a thousand times over. And to get to a place where you don’t have to explain yourself — I’m almost there, almost — is actually what matters most. I spent years unable to answer the question, “So, what are you doing?” Now I can just say, “I work for a financial services firm, it’s just a job” and the “it’s just a job” part isn’t an apology or screen anymore. It’s so weird and hard to let you go of what shapes our identities when you’re young — but if you don’t do that, have to learn to see yourself all over again, did you actually grow up?
Yes to all of that. I told the head of my program (who is our age) that to my surprise, I found I could actually apply some of my prior experience to the grad school work. She practically shouted, of course you can! It took me so long to internalize the obvious truth that we are the sum of all of our experiences, not this sequence of different selves.
And, so happy to know that you are so happy.
Stacy, you’re so beautifully ambitious and kind. You pour your heart and soul into whatever you do as a calling, not a job, and I think it’s wonderful. I think you’re awesome because you want to create change, for the good of others around you and for society as a whole.
Since the time you hired me when I was figuring out how to be creative, I now have 8 designers and a few admins and I constantly think of how nurturing you were/are. I finally have an inkling of what it was like to be you and create awesomeness for work and for my team. The hard work is cool cause we get to be even more creative! All the while, you face change w a smile or sometimes a swear word and always deep compassion for the “fragility of life”, as you once said.
You’re my role model when it comes to being a creative leader because of your excitement and inquisitiveness. You once told me you didn’t want your house to feel like it was “trapped in amber”. Your life will never be static like some gorgeous golden fossilized tree sap, but something way more exciting. I’ll leave you to pro wordsmith what that will be and then use that term years from now, the way I do your other sayings nearly two decades after you shared them w me.
Big hugs.
I'm really left quite speechless by this beautiful testament to... me? Really, to me? Thank you for all of this generosity. It has always been a total pleasure to know you and spend time with you (and the lovely Dan), and watching your business flourish and thrive has been a true joy. I feel the same about you: you bring heart and joy to your work, and it shows in your success. Love you, Jarret. Thank you for such kind words.
I am a bit younger than you, but identify SO much with what you've written here. The parts that stood out to me were when you said to your therapist "but that's what I've been trying to do!" (perhaps by earning enough to "set yourself up" for a simple life? Maybe?) AND...when you described your super-ambitious landscaping and gardening efforts (been there...still trying to do that.) I think there's a sense deep in me that I won't really be able to have the "simple life" I want until I earn enough money to make it look a lot like Martha Stewart's version of a "simple life" which...well...I guess that's not really how simplicity works, is it? I have more to say, much more, but it's gonna have to knock around a bit in my noggin before it's going to be very coherent. Just know that I feel everything you've written deeply, even though my background and career trajectory and definitions of financial success have been very different from yours. Outward markers of success have been what drive me, and yet, they don't seem to be what I actually want.
"I guess that's not really how simplicity works, is it?" Yes, this. And the deep commitment to the garden is the place where I can really feel what simplicity is: humble work, expectations for failure mixed with success, moments of transcendent joy and a connection to something divine and bigger than me. That's what simple life is. Wanting the world to be bigger than me. Instead of always wanting a little more this and a little more that. It's confounding, that pull between those poles. But I'm so deeply grateful this conversation struck a chord in folks, and that people are sharing their own conundrums, and I look forward to reading more from you on this when you get there. <3
I sold the loft in NYC and now live in a restored villa in Greece overlooking the Aegean.. I simplified. I thought this was what I wanted. I have an enormous garden and fruit orchard. My husband, who was reluctant to make the move, is perfectly happy. Me? I'm bored and I'm lonely. I got my PhD during lockdown, all the while thinking, "When I finish this, what'll I do next?"
What DO we do with ambition? Good question, well stated. Now I'd like an answer, please.
Me, too. And wow, I love this confession. Bored and lonely sucks. I still can't believe I'm a WFH-er (because I live in the Hudson Valley now, which was a good decision, but being away from managing and working with groups of people in person is still not sitting well with me. I'm never happier than managing a scrum of brilliance), which does make me feel lonely.
I think the answer to What To Do With Ambition is define what brings us close to a sense of meaning and joy, and do that. Make a list. And if 70 percent of that list involves doing things you walked away from to "simplify" then you need to sell your place in Greece, stat.
For me, being in the mountains and by a river and tending to gardens is what soothes me, places me in a hierarchy in the universe that I find comforting (the trees and mountains will see much more of this world than I will), and pulls me away from the slightly addictive nature of ambition. But, as you can see from my piece, these rewards have not fully quelled it, and the questions swirl daily.
I never had ambition (or money) on your scale, but I can still relate to this--to wanting to achieve, to searching for meaning in work, to wanting what I do to matter in some way beyond myself. My field (public education) is so broken it was breaking me (literally), and so I made some living simpler choices that allowed me to retire earlier than planned. I did go back to part-time teaching in a sweet gig this past school year, but I'm leaving that now, too. And struggling with some of the same questions. I feel too young to be really retired, but also too old for a lot of things I might once have wanted to pursue. And too tired. The last 10 years took a lot out of me. I have said for years that I just want to grow food and make a nice home and care for my people, but now that I am in a place to actually do that, I feel...uneasy. People assume that now I'm going to write in some serious way, but that's not calling to me. At all. I keep telling myself that if I truly clear some space and remain open, the answers and opportunities will come (the way the teaching gig did, which was the perfect thing for me for this past year). But that's a hard one for me, who has always felt the need to make things happen and have a plan. I wonder how much of all this unease is just a result of deep socialization in a misogynistic, capitalist culture. Please let us know if you figure all of this out. :-)
Oh, Rita. So much to respond to here... Especially "too tired." I do get fired up every once in awhile to push for a Big Job again but then I get... tired. Especially because the resume game at this stage in life is soul-killing, rewriting my resume from top to bottom for each job I apply to in order to make the connection between being a magazine editor and a being a marketing, messaging and social media expert. Exhausting. And also yes UNEASE. That is the perfect word for this vague feeling I carry just under my solar plexus and in my stomach: I am not safe. I have not done enough. I need a plan. I need to be doing more. I am not safe I am not safe I am not safe. And no, I do not think I will figure this out. :) At this point I'm just hoping I continue to earn some money and stay in good health.... and neither feels like a small thing at this point!
So many yesses. (How do you write a resume that won't land you immediately in the reject pile when your relevant work history begins in 1990?) And the "not safe" litany: I do not have the safety net I need to feel safe. I also know that I could not continue on as I had been. I am safe for now. I keep telling myself that's enough for now, and I keep reminding myself that (like you), I am the calmest and healthiest I've ever been. I look around the world with my current understanding of it (and how much of that might be faulty, given how much was before?) and I understand that my previous metrics for determining safety are no longer adequate/valid. I feel both fortunate to be where I am (don't get me started on my worries/fears for my children) and woefully unprepared for where I am. This is so not where I once thought I'd be at this stage of the game. Ach, you've touched a nerve. These are thoughts I generally keep tamped down, so that I can do what I need to do each day.
Sorry to stir you up but not sorry -- because I need to know that so many of my peers are grappling with the same! Selfish me! But yes, "I am safe right now" is something I say to myself. And also "I am not unmindful of the future." Which makes me LOL a little because that's my (privileged elite white) college's motto (non in cautus futuri) and certainly most of those who attended that university didn't (and still don't) have to really think about the future. But I digress. But yes to "Not where I thought I'd be" and I think that's important for us to scream from the rooftops for the women behind us, and the men!! America is a lie!! It's a fucking lie!! Whoops, reel it in, Stace.... I feel sad that I actually feel powerless to effect meaningful change in a world where money is the only metric. Well, money and guarding opportunity only for the few. Aaaaaand, yes, now I'm right there with you. But I see you, I love you, and I thank you deeply for being in this mix with me. I asked these questions because I wanted to discuss them. A big fat namaste to you, Rita. I have always so appreciated and valued your presence in my life. <3
Same, same. :-) And back at ya. I have more thoughts on all this, but right now I gotta get them grades done. (Don't get me started on all the questions that task raises!)
Well, it’s the systemic expections of greatness, right? Everywhere we look, every moment of our entire lives, there are stories of greatness. It’s true that oftentimes these stories of greatness are born of failure and subsequent perseverance, but what is the end result? A story of greatness. The narrative being, if you work hard enough, long enough, you’ll get there. We are indoctrinated in to the belief that with hard work we will be great. We will be admired, financially secure, people will seek us out to ask us the secret to reaching potential. The rays of a thousand suns will shine upon us. To my knowledge, there’s no one out there building a Nike ad or writing a feature for Forbes magazine that says, you’re good enough just as you are. We are supposed to strive for something bigger, more meaningful (meaningful of course meaning measurable). For the last five years I have been a full time bartender. That’s all I’ve done. I’ve put liquids in to cups. I left public relations, I left marketing, I left every other side hustle I had while living in Los Angeles to move to New Orleans and bartend. I’ll tell you right now, it’s been good. It was exactly what I needed to do at the time I needed to do it. I ate good food, I listened to good music, I met a good man. It has all been fortifying. Alas, it’s not forever. I have reached the point of, ok what now? My brain needs to stretch, I need to feel hurried, I need deadlines and schedules and everything that comes with it. I guess maybe the moral of my ramble is that ambition never really leaves you because it’s been fed your whole life, both externally and internally. It may take naps but it’s still there and sometimes it will need to be fed. I suppose our job is to find out how to feed it without getting lost in it.
Yes, the great lie of America is that if we all "work hard enough" we will be rewarded. Except if you're poor, or brown, or unattractive, or .... we all know the real story now. And somehow we have to build a life within this culture. But yes, our job is to figure out how to create meaning and purpose, in whatever way. And what you did is brave -- it's very hard to walk away from what we are "supposed" to be doing at a young age to do a re-set. "I need to feel hurried" is kind of genius. Because that sentiment is, in fact, all about purpose: I have to do something. And I know that my "something" was to let go of money and status and see if I could love myself without it. The answer to that question is yes, but there are so many other, unanswered questions left. Thanks for commenting. Love seeing you here. <3
Cosign
Riiiiiitttttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️
I love reading you again. As you know, I was able to partially break that overachieving mentality when I up and moved from Seattle to East Africa. For me, and I think for many people, it was a matter of life and death, literally. I was close to having a heart attack. When people get really sick from stress, they make real changes. I think it is human nature to wait until a major crisis before simplifying, and feeling good about the simple life. I also agree that there is a major cultural component here, American ambition, which has served us well in some ways as a country, has also contributed to our unwellness. What also helped me in the past couple of years is fully embracing my role as junior elder, in the Maasai way of thinking. Now is my time to serve the next generation. As a mentor, an Auntie, a coach. Yes, getting paid well for this work is nice, but I truly feel good at a deep level when one of my Godchildren, or clients lets me know that they got into a fantastic University, or the perfect internship, or sorted out a problem with their Mom. The wisdom I have gained is useful, and it makes my heart happy.
Namaste, Tanya! Yes, I remember our conversations about toxic ambition, or, rather, the toxic environment that makes us feel like we are failing somehow if we aren't earning the most we can. And yes, it is absolutely a matter of health! Mental! Spiritual! Physical! Which is why the work you have done and do is so key, and so modern -- the beautiful irony being, of course, that modern is ancient. We just lost our way on that front. I love you as an Auntie, seems like a perfect moment to be leaning into your earned wisdom and sharing it. I definitely feel wiser as I get older, but I'm also old enough now to know that being wiser doesn't mean having answers. It just means being comfortable navigating the unanswerable and the unknown, right? xoxo
I love this and am grateful you wrote it. You were really extraordinary when we were so young at Mirabella. You had your eyes open in a really good way. I so struggle with ambition. I pivoted from magazines into pharmaceutical copywriting and that's been a steady, deeply-uncool thing.
When I say pivot, I mean I kind of tripped over my own feet and toppled into freelance pharma and then stuck it out. It is just a job but it is lucrative and sometimes really satisfying and fun. But yeah, the creative ambition, what to do with it? I do a lot of volunteer and political stuff and sometimes that works and sometimes it's a bitter defeat, but I am very careful to only work with people I love and respect, so the advocacy/organizing stuff doesn't feel like work too much. I work on a book in a way I hope isn't too masochistic but is also a little bit rigorous. My eldest child, who had many learning challenges, is now off to the college of her choice while my youngest is having the time of his life in high school and skateboarding through NYC, so my parental worrying is low, and the parts of my brain that were busy with that are now looking around for a new thing to chew on. I can feel ambition nipping again.
Please write more!
A steady, deeply-uncool thing is truly what I so desperately want and need. Is it too late for me to end up in pharmaceutical copywriting? I am not even kidding. All I want — except for these many moments I struggle with ambition — is to know that I can stay employed until I am 67. Is that too much to ask? Many days it feels like it is. So glad to hear you're settled and secure and have raised your babies to thrive (mine had serious school and learning challenges as well, and he is now entering his second year at Skidmore and doing fine, a miracle he worked hard for, and I am grateful for that). Want to read your book, so keep at it! xo
Brilliant. Antonia forwarded me your post because you captured that inside voice, that haunts me (and her) at times, won't let me sleep most of the time, and keeps me from fully settling in, to, well, life. My life. Which is spectacular, yet, every time someone asks how things are going and I say, "Great. No complaints." I immediately feel that push, that I should be doing more. Maybe it's because we did move mountains ?! Something we discovered in us, in those formidable years, that surprised us, and, well, was impressed, by our own power?! So you can't just plant a garden that you buy at Home Depot. I can't just feed my dog kibble, I have to research and read books about animal nutrition and then make my own raw food complete with sweet potatoes and probiotics. That's the part of myself I love, find interesting, entertaining, unique, but it doesn't rest. Doesn't let me rest. I appreciate that you don't have an answer, because neither do I. We will keep looking ! I'll keep paying two therapists and take long walks with my dog while listening to Sam Harris. Hopefully capturing those moments (even if fleeting) that I'm just happy. It's been decades since I've seen you, but sending lots of aloha from one cortisol-junky to another! Keep writing.
Kate Growney!!! How wonderful to see you here. Time is collapsing onto itself (as our world continues to collapse onto itself). And this that you wrote is very true, and important to remember >> "That's the part of myself I love, find interesting, entertaining, unique, but it doesn't rest." I feel lucky that I ended up with someone who understands my querulous, wandering mind, and my inclination to overbook myself with home projects and volunteer work when I've sworn that I want a simple life. But there it is. :) Glad to hear you are well, if similarly cursed. Aloha back at you. xo